(Sunday Paper, Volume III, Issue 25)
I'm still taking some time off, what with Father's Day happening in June and, of course, my birthday coming up in just a couple of weeks.
(You can go 'Like' my Facebook page to follow along with the rest of the countdown of '40 Of My Favorite Things' through my 40th birthday. Thanks!)
For the past three weeks it was my daughters who took over the Sunday Paper.
My friend Kevin was one of the people who took over the Sunday Paper for me last summer.
This week it's a first for the Sunday Paper, as Kevin's dog Zoey does the honors.
Hi! I’m Zoey! And you’re my best friend. Truthfully, all people are my best friend. John is my best friend. The maintenance man at my apartment is my best friend. Homeless people I meet on my walks are my best friend. I love people – not a big fan of other dogs. One bit me once when I was younger and now I’m afraid of all of them. But dogs don’t know how to read, so forget them. But you can read! So thanks for reading, best friend.
You’re probably wondering how I’m writing this. My butler is typing while reading my mind. (Hi, Kevin here. Zoey thinks I’m her butler because I feed her, take her places, and pick up her poop. She might be right. Anyways, I’ll be in italics.)
Hey best friend, do you know what is the most amazing invention in the world? THE CAR. First off, that’s one of the six words I know (car, food, outside, bone, bed, chicken), so don’t be surprised that I know what it is. You get in it at one place and then end up somewhere completely different! Have you ever been in a car, best friend? We always go fun places like the park (where she gets so excited that she burns herself out immediately), this magical land full toys and smells (PetSmart), or this place where they just hand you food for no reason (Chick-fil-a drive-thru). Sometimes we go to the doctor and he sticks something up my butt (thermometer). Those car trips aren’t as fun. Do doctors stick things up your butt, best friend?
I used to be able to sit in the front seat and climb all over the butler when he was driving, but now I’m not allowed to do that. I have a harness and have to sit in the back. They said it is grandpa’s fault, but he’s my best friend, so that can’t be right (it actually is. My grandfather – who turns 102 today – said that dogs who sit in the front could be killed by an air bag. Sure enough, he’s right. So harness in the back seat it is).
Anyways, the butler says that we’re going to take a long car trip this summer (Asheville) and we’ll go hiking and stuff there. I’m sure that will be the best car trip ever (I’m dreading it). Maybe you can come too, best friend (bring booze).
Why are dogs bad at dancing?
We have two left feet.
(Hopefully John’s act is better than that)
[Hi. John here. My act is better than that, first of all. Second of all, happy birthday Kevin's grandpa!! Thirdly, just wanted to let you know that tickets are now on sale for Framingham Comedy Weekend. You can click here for links to all three of the shows. No fees if you order online, and if you'd like to hand me cash tell me and I'll arrange to meet you and I'll get you on the door list. All three shows are going to be great and I haven't had the chance to write much about it recently but I figured I would drop in here and plug the shows because Zoey wouldn't mind the interruption. I'm her best friend.]
What You Should Check Out This Week
*Have you ever looked out a window, best friend? That’s what I’m going to check out this week. So much happens on the other side of a window. Most importantly, there are more of my best friends out there! And I have to bark at every single one to make sure they notice me (she’s not lying. Lots of barking). My butler and the lady (my girlfriend) are house hunting and I’m worried they’re going to get a house that doesn’t have any windows. They made a ‘wish list’ the other day and neither of them listed windows! I’m currently freaking out about it.
*We’re going to a baseball game on Tuesday. You should come, best friend! It’s the Bark in the Park at the Lexington County Blowfish game. I’m always super well behaved (she isn’t) and we always stay right until the last pitch (we don’t because she’s a maniac). One of these days I’m going to get a hot dog there (she won’t) but I’m worried about eating another dog. But maybe it will be that one dog who bit me. He deserves it.
*I’m on Instagram. You should follow me, best friend: @zoey_katrina. I was initially named Katrina at the pound because I was a hurricane of excitement (probably should have been a warning sign).
*Thanks for reading, best friend! I’m pretty great, huh? (she really is…but don’t tell her I said that).